(bowing his head over his watch, squeezing it in his fingers. fuck.)
I know it's not my fault. It's not anyone's fault.
But you had to relive that. And I did the same thing to Itachi when I should've just stayed out of the mirrors altogether. I'm just upset any of it had to happen the way it did.
(he feels it. he feels the concern and it makes him want to throw his watch, knowing he caused it by holding onto these regrets. jonas knew this could happen when they bonded, counted on the fact that it would, but it's so different than what he'd expected. it only makes him want to do better, be better.
one step at a time.)
No, no, I know. I'm okay, like
As okay as I can be? God this is not going the way I wanted it to. First off, saying "don't do this" won't make me suddenly stop doing that. I'm trying to, but it's still there. And it's hard.
But my goal was to check in on you. Can you tell me how you're doing with everything? Please?
[ Frustration comes back through that Bond even if it's tinged with determination, and Sasuke's brow furrows as he waits on the response. Of course this wasn't going to be easy; why else would they both have avoided it? Even still...
Jonas asks how he's doing and immediately different emotions rise to the forefront in his attempt to identify them, wanting to deny each and every one but their tie to one another betrays him. How does he feel? Why does he feel it? There's sadness, there's regret. Melancholy. Anger. Longing. ]
You saw something I've seen many times. It wouldn't have impacted me like that if I hadn't felt your reaction to it. [ He hesitates over his next words, a powerful shame suddenly spiking as he types them. ] It makes me wish my life and memories were simpler. It would make it easier to share them.
I also saw things in your mirror, in Stiles's mirror, and in my brother's mirror that I've thought about a lot. You've all suffered more than I realized.
(it's a brutal wave of emotion that very nearly doubles him over. if he wasn't already seated, he'd be forced to, and even then he feels it weigh him into the mattress. jonas knows this cheek burning, nauseating, crippling feeling. shame, he's familiar with it; it's never been this overwhelming.
many times. how many? why?)
It's okay. It's okay, it's normal to wish that. Even people who haven't had seriously impactful things happen to them think that way, but ig we all have different levels of bad and what affects us the most. We want to connect, man, even when we think we don't.
I'm glad we could share even one good thing with each other, you know? Like I wanted you to see that.
They aren't aspects of my life that allow for "connection", they're things I need to try to keep to myself even if they define me. I haven't gotten close to anyone in a long time, so adjusting to having you around is difficult for me.
[ They wanted honesty between the two of them, didn't they? He hesitates a moment before typing his next question, feeling strangely... privileged to be able to. ]
You wanted me to see your time with your mother and father?
(that means some part of him trusts him, doesn't it? he's taking this chance on him, after all, instead of some random lotto pick that would've meant less. wasn't that stiles' issue, too? will they ever get used to him, or will it always be an uphill climb?
the next text surprises him into leaning back a bit, brow creasing.)
I did, I'm glad. I think they'd wanna meet you, so you seeing them is kinda close ig. The best I can do, at least.
it comforts him to think of her, a bittersweet kind of ache in his throat.)
Yeah, they'd be relieved I made friends who look out for me.
She was always like that. Really cheerful and sunny. I think I took a lot of it for granted, bc I always disliked those trips. But now I look back on that stuff and they're my best moments. All of us together.
[ That feeling strikes him, turning more to bitter than sweet once filtered through his lens, but still it silences him for a few moments and delays his next reply. ]
It isn't easy for a child to think like an adult. She knew that too. I think even through your complaining she probably knew you'd feel like this eventually.
(a joke that falls flat. lying back, jonas turns onto his side in the dimly lit room. an odd violet glow from the terrarium casts soft shadows.)
ik it's morbid or whatever, but I'll be happy to see her. I'm not lying down for the idea, it's just still nice to think about. Only that. Is it like that for you?
[ "We don't need to talk about this" is what he types first, staring at the words that he reads in his brother's voice. He deletes them. ]
Yes. I've felt ready to die before, but now that I have a reason to keep living it doesn't stop me from thinking about seeing my family again. Having Itachi here is a start.
Do you want to see others from your world arrive here?
I'm glad he's here, then. And I'm glad you are, too.
Did you know he's training me now? Like in combat and stuff, bc I'm helping him with his magic and stuff.
(it's... sad. depressing, the way his moods always feel. jonas might not understand the desire, but he has enough exposure to know it's a natural course for those leading difficult lives. doesn't make him better equipped to help him when he needs it, but maybe his presence—and more positive thinking, when he can manage it—will be plenty.
jonas' latest emotion is a rather hopeful one, even if it's quickly souring.)
And it'd be real selfish of me to say no to that, when Alex, Ren, Clarrisa, and Nona were on that island with me. They're the only people my age I knew back home. So ig yeah, I would. It'd mean saving their lives.
My dad and step-mom can stay home, though. They deserve to feel safe now.
[ It's a wave of new longing and discontentment that buffets them both when he gives life to that thought, pushing him further and further down into an ocean of regrets. This is what he didn't want to expose Jonas to, and his self-awareness of his own condition adds in another tinge of anger. ]
I saw in your memories how you interacted with them. You were around a campfire on a beach, playing a game that was going badly. You didn't seem to fit in with them at all. [ Here that oppressive gloom lifts for a moment, however, if only slightly. ]
It was good to see that. It made it easier for me to understand you.
I'm sorry about that, I didn't know. Or think, really.
(he can tell they aren't exactly close, or maybe they have a different definition on what close entails, but he didn't consider sasuke's feelings on it very carefully. the emotions it stirs up make him react strongly, a mental "oof" he can't hide. what a cocktail of negatives, forcing his shoulders into a deep curve.
but it's the texts that follow that make him frown. oh.)
It's weird to hear that of my many many memories, you saw one I was super awkward in lmao... everyone was being colossal assholes to one another.
I'm certain you had more you were equally awkward in.
[ The statement is a lifeline when he feels the responsive dip in emotion from Jonas, taking a moment to craft a response he could credit to him in the first place. He's learning, and more often than not his teachers are the two teenaged boys he's gotten to know here. ]
Nothing was easy for you in that memory. The words you needed to say and how you needed to interact with people weren't easy for you to figure out. It made it simplier for me to relate to that side of you.
(even just typing that insincere response makes him sigh and return to texting a follow-up.)
We can be awkward together then ig. I never really had anyone to practice with but my parents and I knew them too well for it to really count. People my age have like 10 different personalities they swap through depending on the person. I can't keep up with that.
In a way ig I appreciated Clarissa for being so straightforward, even if the stuff that came outta her mouth wasn't the nicest.
[ ... he can't even answer that, not when they both know the truth..... ]
I didn't pay as much attention to her. [ Perhaps that's too candid but he doesn't regret saying it, and trying to deceive someone he's Bonded to is already something he's learning the futility of. ]
Having that perspective won't just make it easier to interact with me; it should make it easier for you to interact with Itachi as well. Is your training going well?
[ Now that he feels ready to revisit that topic. ]
(she's several of his regrets, the one who sticks around when he goes to sleep, but sasuke's eyes were likely on him. it makes sense. he watched itachi embrace him and naruto fight him, and still he feels like he barely looked away from his bonded.
it hits oddly. jonas finds it funny, in some morbid way.)
Anyway, there are a lot of weird pauses but other than that I don't think Itachi's impossible to talk to. I think he prefers asking questions to answering them tho. He's picking the magic stuff up eerily quick, but ig you would too if you were a witch. What with you guys having prior experience??
Is that how that even works?
I blocked a ninja star with a barrier, but I kinda fell on my ass when he teleported at me... wounded pride...
[ Was she cruel and spiteful? Yes. Were Jonas's responses, irrespective of their relationship, still of greater interest to him? Yes. He handled it maturely but with clearly drawn lines, the stand-out reaction amongst the teens. ]
I can't say how it works since I'm not a Witch. What I can say is that he likes to have control over a conversation and that he's always been like that. A quick learner. Growing up he was always called a once-in-a-lifetime genius. [ No pressure. ]
He has a head start on you in combat. You'll have to train harder in private too.
(he wonders how they're doing. how long his presence here is keeping them frozen in time there. or maybe it's all over, now, and events kept rolling the moment he disappeared from alex's side. it's still alienating to consider.)
omggggggg
(a momentary wash of amusement, as jonas finds himself laughing at the reveal. oh, even better. even better.)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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(an understatement, but an honest one. it'd be pointless to lie and he wouldn't think of doing that anyway.)
I'm sorry.
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Do you want to discuss it? [ As if he can't guess. ]
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This whole thing's fucked idek where to start, but we probably should. Right?
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[ Harsh, but harsher would be to allow Jonas to think he did and then to leave him with the guilt of his failure. ]
You shouldn't have seen that, but that doesn't make it your fault that you did.
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I know it's not my fault. It's not anyone's fault.
But you had to relive that. And I did the same thing to Itachi when I should've just stayed out of the mirrors altogether. I'm just upset any of it had to happen the way it did.
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And you were supposed to know that? I didn't abstain from yours. Stiles didn't avoid either of ours and I caught Itachi in mine.
Don't focus on that part of it if you're saying it's not your fault.
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one step at a time.)
No, no, I know. I'm okay, like
As okay as I can be? God this is not going the way I wanted it to. First off, saying "don't do this" won't make me suddenly stop doing that. I'm trying to, but it's still there. And it's hard.
But my goal was to check in on you. Can you tell me how you're doing with everything? Please?
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Jonas asks how he's doing and immediately different emotions rise to the forefront in his attempt to identify them, wanting to deny each and every one but their tie to one another betrays him. How does he feel? Why does he feel it? There's sadness, there's regret. Melancholy. Anger. Longing. ]
You saw something I've seen many times. It wouldn't have impacted me like that if I hadn't felt your reaction to it. [ He hesitates over his next words, a powerful shame suddenly spiking as he types them. ] It makes me wish my life and memories were simpler. It would make it easier to share them.
I also saw things in your mirror, in Stiles's mirror, and in my brother's mirror that I've thought about a lot. You've all suffered more than I realized.
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many times. how many? why?)
It's okay. It's okay, it's normal to wish that. Even people who haven't had seriously impactful things happen to them think that way, but ig we all have different levels of bad and what affects us the most. We want to connect, man, even when we think we don't.
I'm glad we could share even one good thing with each other, you know? Like I wanted you to see that.
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[ They wanted honesty between the two of them, didn't they? He hesitates a moment before typing his next question, feeling strangely... privileged to be able to. ]
You wanted me to see your time with your mother and father?
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(that means some part of him trusts him, doesn't it? he's taking this chance on him, after all, instead of some random lotto pick that would've meant less. wasn't that stiles' issue, too? will they ever get used to him, or will it always be an uphill climb?
the next text surprises him into leaning back a bit, brow creasing.)
I did, I'm glad. I think they'd wanna meet you, so you seeing them is kinda close ig. The best I can do, at least.
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Because I helped you before, right? I remember when you said that before.
She was very happy with you both.
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it comforts him to think of her, a bittersweet kind of ache in his throat.)
Yeah, they'd be relieved I made friends who look out for me.
She was always like that. Really cheerful and sunny. I think I took a lot of it for granted, bc I always disliked those trips. But now I look back on that stuff and they're my best moments. All of us together.
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It isn't easy for a child to think like an adult. She knew that too. I think even through your complaining she probably knew you'd feel like this eventually.
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(a joke that falls flat. lying back, jonas turns onto his side in the dimly lit room. an odd violet glow from the terrarium casts soft shadows.)
ik it's morbid or whatever, but I'll be happy to see her. I'm not lying down for the idea, it's just still nice to think about. Only that. Is it like that for you?
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Yes. I've felt ready to die before, but now that I have a reason to keep living it doesn't stop me from thinking about seeing my family again. Having Itachi here is a start.
Do you want to see others from your world arrive here?
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Did you know he's training me now? Like in combat and stuff, bc I'm helping him with his magic and stuff.
(it's... sad. depressing, the way his moods always feel. jonas might not understand the desire, but he has enough exposure to know it's a natural course for those leading difficult lives. doesn't make him better equipped to help him when he needs it, but maybe his presence—and more positive thinking, when he can manage it—will be plenty.
jonas' latest emotion is a rather hopeful one, even if it's quickly souring.)
And it'd be real selfish of me to say no to that, when Alex, Ren, Clarrisa, and Nona were on that island with me. They're the only people my age I knew back home. So ig yeah, I would. It'd mean saving their lives.
My dad and step-mom can stay home, though. They deserve to feel safe now.
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[ It's a wave of new longing and discontentment that buffets them both when he gives life to that thought, pushing him further and further down into an ocean of regrets. This is what he didn't want to expose Jonas to, and his self-awareness of his own condition adds in another tinge of anger. ]
I saw in your memories how you interacted with them. You were around a campfire on a beach, playing a game that was going badly. You didn't seem to fit in with them at all. [ Here that oppressive gloom lifts for a moment, however, if only slightly. ]
It was good to see that. It made it easier for me to understand you.
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I'm sorry about that, I didn't know. Or think, really.
(he can tell they aren't exactly close, or maybe they have a different definition on what close entails, but he didn't consider sasuke's feelings on it very carefully. the emotions it stirs up make him react strongly, a mental "oof" he can't hide. what a cocktail of negatives, forcing his shoulders into a deep curve.
but it's the texts that follow that make him frown. oh.)
It's weird to hear that of my many many memories, you saw one I was super awkward in lmao... everyone was being colossal assholes to one another.
That made things easier? How?
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[ The statement is a lifeline when he feels the responsive dip in emotion from Jonas, taking a moment to craft a response he could credit to him in the first place. He's learning, and more often than not his teachers are the two teenaged boys he's gotten to know here. ]
Nothing was easy for you in that memory. The words you needed to say and how you needed to interact with people weren't easy for you to figure out. It made it simplier for me to relate to that side of you.
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(even just typing that insincere response makes him sigh and return to texting a follow-up.)
We can be awkward together then ig. I never really had anyone to practice with but my parents and I knew them too well for it to really count. People my age have like 10 different personalities they swap through depending on the person. I can't keep up with that.
In a way ig I appreciated Clarissa for being so straightforward, even if the stuff that came outta her mouth wasn't the nicest.
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I didn't pay as much attention to her. [ Perhaps that's too candid but he doesn't regret saying it, and trying to deceive someone he's Bonded to is already something he's learning the futility of. ]
Having that perspective won't just make it easier to interact with me; it should make it easier for you to interact with Itachi as well. Is your training going well?
[ Now that he feels ready to revisit that topic. ]
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(she's several of his regrets, the one who sticks around when he goes to sleep, but sasuke's eyes were likely on him. it makes sense. he watched itachi embrace him and naruto fight him, and still he feels like he barely looked away from his bonded.
it hits oddly. jonas finds it funny, in some morbid way.)
Anyway, there are a lot of weird pauses but other than that I don't think Itachi's impossible to talk to. I think he prefers asking questions to answering them tho. He's picking the magic stuff up eerily quick, but ig you would too if you were a witch. What with you guys having prior experience??
Is that how that even works?
I blocked a ninja star with a barrier, but I kinda fell on my ass when he teleported at me... wounded pride...
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[ Was she cruel and spiteful? Yes. Were Jonas's responses, irrespective of their relationship, still of greater interest to him? Yes. He handled it maturely but with clearly drawn lines, the stand-out reaction amongst the teens. ]
I can't say how it works since I'm not a Witch. What I can say is that he likes to have control over a conversation and that he's always been like that. A quick learner. Growing up he was always called a once-in-a-lifetime genius. [ No pressure. ]
He has a head start on you in combat. You'll have to train harder in private too.
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omggggggg
(a momentary wash of amusement, as jonas finds himself laughing at the reveal. oh, even better. even better.)
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